X-Axis vs. The Big Game II: Suns of the Patriots
Dear Diary, I really want senpai to notice me. He seems distracted by this thing called the “Super Bowl.” He curses the demon known as the “Iggles.” This monster screams and flaps it’s horrible wings and bellows “Big Dick Nick” while punching horses (for some reason)...or atleast that’s what I’ve overheard from senpai. Senpai seems sad...really sad. I hate it when he’s sad. He was also screaming about some guy named Justin and wanted revenge for Janet. I don’t like it when my Lille-Pie is sad. I shall go to this Super Bowl and reek vengeance on senpai’s enemies and maybe he’ll finally notice me �� Until next time! Lots of kisses and huggles, Yuzu Meanwhile, in the tool shed: The Mystery (re: Misery) Machine was driving through the one road in all of Minnesota. Driven by a young woman in an Eagles jersey. In the front passenger seat was a bearded young man in a Dolphins jersey. In the back a tall fellow in a Browns jersey. And next to him... "Why the fuckity fuck did ya jits drag me to this fuckery??"...a young Irish woman in a Liverpool FC jersey. “Because Schif was still incapacitated from that Bills game and standards require us to have four people at one time, Sun." answered the Eagles woman. "Plus Xilly needs somebody to yell at." added the Dolphins man. "I'm only yelling cuz I thought this season was done." Said Xilly. "We already had the perfection parade and everything." The two up front (Lemurs and Future) were silent. "Oh you poor creature." Said Future bluntly. "Can we just turn this shit off already??" Said Sun. Blaring over the radio was "Fly, Eagles, Fly". "I'm not turning this off until we're at that stadium and I'm piss-ass drunk." answered Lemurs. "Still dunno why you needed to drag us along for this." said Xilly. "Again, it's symmetry. And cuz, well, we wouldn't want THESE ending up on the Twitterverse, would we?" Future showed the two in the back his phone. They both gasped. "FUCKING HELL!!" yelled Sun. "YOU SAID YOU DELETED THOSE." added Xilly. "And maybe if y'all keep your griping to a minimum, it'll end up that way. So wanna play nice now?" The van pulled into the stadium. "Okay, let's get this shitshow over and done with." griped Sun. "Sounds like one of your first dates." added Xilly. "SHUT YER FACE, SHITHEAD." The two walked off, griping all the way. "They're totally banging." Said Lemurs. "Oh, for sure." answered Future. On a nearby cliff (Minnesota has those now), Yuzu peered through binoculars. "Senpai said the bad Iggle people were wearing green. Time to make him notice me!" She grabbed her bags and headed onwards. Inside the stadium, Xilly and Sun were getting food. "So let me get this straight, chum..." began Xilly. The food stand was called "Seymour's Delightfully Devilish Steamed Hams". "...you call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?" "Yes, it's a regional dialect." Answered Seymour. "Oh fuck off." griped Sun. "They're not called steamed hams ya fuck, they're fucking burgers. And they ain't steamed, they're FLAME FUCKING GRILLED." Seymour was speechless. "I, er...yknow, th...one thing I should...excuse me for one second." He exited the booth and quickly sprinted off. "Fucking wank." said Sun. Meanwhile, “Dammit Satsuki, why do we have to walk all the way down to the field this is just a meaningless bullshit game.” Satsuki dramatically clicked her heel. “I respect the American tradition that is Football. It is a game of elites who go to their absolute limit to be the best.” “Sis, it’s just a game, “ replied Ryuko. “How dare you mock the tradition of football and the legacy of Thomas Brady.” “What you like pretty boy schmuck? I mean Nick is less...vomit inducing.” Satsuki pulled out her sword. “You want to meet me in the parking lot.” Ryuko got quiet quickly and then retorted with “you’re fucking crazy!” On the other side of the stadium, a middle aged black man in dreadlocks took his seat next to a tall man with a glorious mustache, corn rows and a gold medallion that read “#YOLO.” “Yo Why, deez seats is quite delightful, Mr.Snoop peep this shit,” said Swaggy. “Yo It iz fine ass madness ta think you would spend dis here much money on seats such as deez what the fuck sup now?” Snoop looked more confused then usual and retorted with “The fuck you talkn’ about?” Swaggy in glee cheered, “Yo ah be so honored you invited me. ah gots always found yo' werk ta be quite inspiring what 'chew thinkin' man?” Snoop rolled his eyes and said “You be smokin dat dank kush there, homie.” Swaggy screamed, “Yo ah be rooting fo' da Iggles! dey is fine ass amazing! Maybe we's can collaborate on uh future rap project wif Meek once he’s out o' prison you know das right!” Snoop still in awe of the sheer stupidity mumbled to himself, “dumbass cracka.” Meanwhile meanwhile, a large man with an eye patch and a girl wearing pink frilly things and an eye patch were...fucking about, I guess. "So fucking boring." said Kenpachi, the man. "I thought you said that Brady prick was around here?" "Oh who cares about that idiot poopface? I'm just here for JT!" answered Nui, the girl. "YOU told me that pretty boy was gonna be here. I've been meaning to give him a piece of my mind." Kenpachi removed part of his robe to reveal a Pittsburgh Steelers tattoo over his right pec. Elsewhere, the Noob Squad had taken their seats. Lemurs was holding a bottle of beer. "Don't you think ya might've jumped the gun a bit here? Game hasn't even started yet." said Future. "What are you, my *burp* mom? I'm getting prepared." answered Lemurs. "How the bloody hell did I even end up here? And what's with the look, Shithead?" griped Sun. "Why do people keep looking at my jersey funny? And why do they keep offering condolences...?" "...fuck it, I'm leaving." Sun promptly walks off. "Aren't you gonna get her?" asked Future. "Uhhhh, why would I? Not like we're a thing." "Are you sure? I mean, you certainly bicker like one. AND you spend a weird amount of time around each other." "Like you're one to talk." "The hell's that supposed to mean?" "Isn't that Lemurs' watch you're wearing?" "Huh?" Future looked at his wrist, and quickly removed said watch. "I don't know what you're talking about." "Uh huh. Well I guess I gotta go fetch her then so don't worry yourself any. 'Sides, shouldn't you be keeping your girlfriend from doing shit like that?" "I told you thats not--OH FUCK." Lemurs was leaning over the seats. "SAINT NICK! GIVE ME DEMON SPAWN *burp* Future pulled her back. "Top keks." said Xil, who walked off. Swaggy and Snoop, meanwhile, were now surrounded by a dense fog. "What uh lovely scent" said Swaggy. "Yo pimp-tight n***a, ah do believe you gots stumbled upon uh truly miraculous an don't make me pull mah gat!" "Not even the good stuff can make this n***a sound human, bruh." mumbled Snoop. "BRUH." startled Swaggy. He was staring at the door. In the doorway, Sun starred at the two men and their bong. “Do ya knew where to take a piss?” Swaggy’s heart stopped in that moment. There in the doorway stood the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Without hesitating he walked up to her and grabbed her delicate hand. “Yo you be uh magestic creature. You make muh motha fuckin heart palpitate in ways dat ah just can’t express wif werdz. you be mo' fine than Kate Winslett in Titanic brace yo'self foo'!” "...the fawk ya goin' on about???" yelled Sun. “If ah profane wif muh motha fuckin unworthiest hand dis here holy shrine, da gentle fine iz dis here: muh motha fuckin lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand ta smoof dat rough whack wif uh tender kiss Ya' know what I'm sayin'? Snoop cleared his throat.” "I do apologize for my companion's rather aggressive demeanor, madame." he said in a suddenly posh voice. "He was so startled that such a beautiful specimen as you would walk into our suite." "Is that a fucking bong ya got there?" said Sun. "Well, yeah." "Pass that shit over here right now!!" Elsewhere, Xilly finally locates Sun. "Oi." he says. Sun was sitting with a pleased expression on her face. "Haaaa, oi Xilly Willy, c'mere, see boys this is the jit I was tellin' ya bout." "Charmed, good sir." Swaggy and Snoop both chimed. "Uh-huh, look Sun, fun time's ove--" She promptly kissed him and then smoked even more from the bong. "Fuckin' stitch-up. Later, gents!" She got up and pranced off. Xilly stood silent for a moment. "...she took my gum." he said. Meanwhile, Lemurs was hurling into a garbage can as Future patted her on the back. "I tried to warn you." he said. "Oi, fucks!" Sun walked up, still pleased with herself. "Methinks this isn't such a bad time after all." "Speak for yourself." added Xilly. An Eagles fan walked by and did a symbol of the cross towards Xilly. "Bless your soul, child." He promptly walked away. "Is there something on my face? Like, is that it?" questioned Xilly. Halftime had begun and Justin Timberlake made it down to the field and had begun to perform. Yuzu started to sneak her way in between the stupid mirror props and up to the main stage. Justin crooned, “No disrespect, I don't mean no harm {Talk to me, boy} I can't wait to have you in my arms {Talk to me, boy} Hurry up 'cause you're takin' too long {Talk to me, boy} Bet I'll...” Suddenly Yuzu stood at the top of the stage and whipped out the Scissor Blade. Ryuko spat out her cherry soda in disbelief. Yuzu screamed at the top of her lungs, “THIS IS FOR JANET!” Yuzu ripped off all of JT’s clothes, leaving him revealed to the world. She then gave chase as he attempted to escape the crazed Japanese girl. Xil opened his mouth in confusion and quickly retorted with “I don’t understand sportsball.” Nui noticed the scissor blade and screamed “That bitch stole my scissors that I stole!” Nui then multiplied herself into a swarm of Nui and entered the field like a plague or Chinese smog. Ryuko starred at the chaos below and then bum rushed towards the stage. Satsuki screamed “You Fool!” and went after her little sister. The Noob Squad looked on in confusion...the sober ones, at least. Sun was giggling and hugging an unreacting Xil as a drunken Lemurs continued slurring her words. "Iiii think...YOU are a *burp* special person..." Future sighed. "Can't one of these things just go off without weird shit happening?" "Got me." answered Xil. Another Eagles fan walked by and splashed Xil with holy water. "Ok seriously what the fuck?" he griped. The name "Manziel" came into view on the back of his jersey. As the carnage ensued, Lille finally made his way to the register at the food stand. “Ok so that’s 5 steamed hams, 3 chocolate milk shakes, 2 nachos and 1 Bud Light that will be $123.62.” Lille shook his fist into the air “THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS! THESE PRICES ARE SINFUL!” The cashier looked annoyed “Do you want it or not?” Lille angrily took out his wallet. “There’s a special place in hell for you.” Lille headed back to the suite and then saw what his apprentice was doing. Outside the stadium, Tom Brady had made his daring escape. "They don't pay me enough for this shit." As he ran, one of his Super Bowl rings fell into a sewer opening. "Aw, hell!" He leaned into the opening, when suddenly... "Hi, Tom." "Gah! Peyton?! The hell are you doing in the sewer? And why are you dressed like a clown?" "Oh. Well, I needed something to spend time on after retiring. And I lost a bet. So now I'm Manningwise, the Dancing Clown. Ya want a balloon?" "Um...no." "Yeah, probably wouldn't stay inflated long around you anyway." "Look, I gotta go, there's insane crap going on in that stadium." "Oh, okay. But don't you want your ring back?" Manning held up the ring. "Go on. Take it." Tom started reaching into the sewer. When he got close enough, Manning bit into and tore off Brady's arm. Then he dragged the ailing Brady into the sewer. A loud belch was heard. "Uhhhh...love the taste of white bread." Inside the stadium, the carnage continued. Xil shook his head. "I think it gets worse every year. Whatcha think?" "Urrrf...bosoms." Future was drinking straight from a bottle as Lemurs lay unconscious on his shoulder. "The fuck, I thought you said you didn't drink?" Asked Xil. "Welp, now's as good a time as any." Future took another swig. "Ugh, Sun?" Sun was staring intensely at him. "Have you always had that extra eye, Shithead?" Xil sighed. "How can this shit get any dumber?" Suddenly, a large, booming noise rang out in the distance. What appeared over the horizon was an enormous, robotic dinosaur resembling a tyrannosaur: Mechagodzilla. The machine belted out a loud roar. On top of the monster's head, manning the controls, was none other than Seymour Skinner. "Super Bowl, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!" he exclaimed. The beast then began making its way towards the stadium. Justin was running and running. This looked like it could be the end. He was about to be ripped to shreds by a Japanese school girl trying to impress her senpai. Suddenly, a pink cloud burst between Justin and his would be assassin. “GET AWAY FROM MY JUSTIN, YOU BITCH!” Yuzu got into her battle stance. “I WILL MAKE SENPAI NOTICE ME!” A tidal wave of Nui began to flood the stadium. Yuzu used the scissor blade as a surf board and begun to surf around. Nui then turned into a dolphin, because dolphins are the jerks of the ocean and began to sing the theme from Flipper. The Noob Squad looked on. Lemurs was still out. Future probably wasn't too far behind. Sun was standing behind Xil rolling her tongue while Xil just deadpanned. "Somebody, anybody, please end it." said Xil. Then, the giant form of Mechagodzilla appeared over the stadium. "I hope you're prepared for steamed hams!" exclaimed Seymour as he aimed the machine's weapons right at the Noob Squad. "They're called hamburgers, ya daft shit!" yelled Sun, who his behind Xil as if to use him as a human shield. As Seymour prepared to fire his steamed cannons, a being used instant transmission to appear on the beast's nose. It was Lille. "Do not interrupt my revenge, you deceitful dickdiddler." he said. He aimed his rifle downwards, firing it and hitting the machine's core. As it fell apart, Seymour gasped. "OH YE GODS!" he yelled, right as the robot finally collapsed and exploded outside the stadium. "Oh, what new spore of madness is this?" sighed Xilly. “THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE NUI!?!” Yelled Ryuko. "Seriously, Ryuko. I’m a little busy right now. Meet me in the parking lot for a good time later." “THE FUCK!? WE ARE NOT A THING YOU MURDER BITCH!!!” Ryuko then posed dramatically and “Before My Body is Dry” began to play. “IT’S MENSTRUAL CYCLE ALLEGORY BATTLE TIME!” Kenpachi was watching from the stands and screamed “GO BABY GO!!! YOU’RE MAKING ME SO HARD BABY!” “Love you too Kenny-doodle!” Nui called back. Yuzu screamed “SHE’S MY KILL FOR SENPAI, STAY OUT OF THIS STRIPPER!” “I AM NOT A STRIPPER!” Ryuko bellowed. Satsuki starred in superior disgust. “This is just stupid now.” Satsuki dramatically clicked her heels and the spotlights all faced towards her. “Listen here you fools! I paid good money to see Thomas Brady achieve victory. You morons will not get in the way of that goal!” “How the hell is she doing that?” Yuzu asked. “It just kinda happens,” Ryuko shrugged. Satsuki then flew like a glorious eagle over Mordor. She dramatically glared at Yuzu, causing her to lose consciousness. She then dropped kicked Nui and then launched her into the sky, which resembled “The More You Know” shooting star. “There. Now this sporting event can now proceed as plann..” “HOW SINFUL!” Cried Lille. “YOU ARE PREVENTING MY NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS FROM PLAYING!” “There is no need to raise your voice,” replied Satsuki. “You and I have the same goal, we both wish to see Thomas Brady get his sixth ring.” “TOM BRADY IS FULL OF SIN, THEREFORE HE IS SINFUL! I AM HERE FOR GRONK! BESIDES, JIMMY SHOULD BE THE ONE STARTING AS HE WAS THE FUTURE OF THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS BEFORE TOM DECIDED TO BE A WHINY BITCH ABOUT IT!” A rage began to boil in Satsuki. “IF JIMMY WAS NOT TRADED, HE COULD STEP IN AND NOT LOSE TO A BACKUP QUARTERBACK!” Ryuko then walked up to her sister. “Look, I know you and I don’t always agree on everything, but you and I know this guy has to go.” “I couldn’t agree more.” The scissor sisters began to rush towards Lille. “YOU SINFUL FOOLS!” screamed Lille. “BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE SUPERB OWL!!!” As this was happening, Lemurs snuck away with the trophy. "If y'all don't mind..." she said as she stumbled around, still drunk out of her mind. Ryuko ran up Lille’s neck, something that as a Patriot’s fan he did not see coming. “Hey Michael Keaton!” Lille looked at the scantily clothed teen. “Welcome to the pit of misery asshole!” Satsuki released a powerful attack from behind that pummeled Lille to the ground. “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR MOCKING THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, THOMAS BRADY!” Lille was starting to grow desperate. Lille then splits himself into five superb owls and fires energy balls towards his enemies. “Bitch, please,” Ryuko calls out. She bitch-slaps the energy back at Lille causing him to revert back to human form. The girls stand over his broken body. “Oh Dilly, Dilly,” Lille sobbed. Ryuko took the scissor blade towards his jersey. “Philly, Philly Motherfucker.” Lille is stripped naked and thrown into the broadcast booth. "*sigh* oooookay, now that that's over with we can finally get back to--" Ryuko looked around and saw that the stadium was deserted. "Uuuum..." Just then, numerous police and SWAT vehicles drove in while surrounding the stadium. "PUT YOUR WEAPONS DOWN AND GET ON THE GROUND! YOU FREAKS ARE IN SO MUCH SHIT IT'S HARD TO EVEN BELIEVE!" "AWWWW HELL!" griped Ryuko. In the broadcast booth, Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth looked at the broken, nude body of Lille. "Well, Chris, I think this game's gone in a direction no one really saw coming." "Ehhh, I don't know Al. I think Brady can still pull it off." The Mystery Machine drove away from the stadium and the destruction within. Driven by Xil, a giddy Sun sat up front. In the back, Lemurs still appeared groggy and was still holding the trophy. Future held a hot water bag to his head. "Well I hope ya nerds are happy. We've somehow ended up with ANOTHER of the damn trophies." griped Xil. "I ain't complaining." grogged Lemurs. A thump could be heard from the trunk. "The hell was that- ah-ah-ah." winced Future. "Oh, I just have another addition for the house." said Lemurs. Within the trunk, Nick Foles lay bound and gagged. "I shoulda just became a pastor." he muffled. FIN